And Yet More Beach chair Wisdom!

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks."
-Scott Adams

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."
-Jay Leno

"For people who like peace and quiet: a phone-less cord."

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you."

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."
-Woody Allen

"Who controls the past controls the future; who controls the present controls the past."
-George Orwell

Keep me away from the wisdom that does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children. --Kahlil Gibran

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police   German and it's all organized by the Italians.

When we drink, we get buzzed. When we get buzzed, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! --Brian O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

Spiritual People Inspire Me, Religious People Frighten Me.

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. Arthur C. Clarke

 In the beginning Man created God; and in the image of Man created he him. Jethro Tull, "Aqualung"

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,  then we are a sorry lot indeed. --Albert Einstein

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

Either God wants to abolish evil, and cannot;
 Or he can, but does not want to;
 Or he cannot and does not want to.
 If he wants to, but cannot, he is impotent.
 If he can, but does not want to, he is wicked.
 But, if God both can and wants to abolish evil,
 Then how come evil in the world?
  [Epicurus, 350-?270 BC]

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life either.

My folks went to Turin and all I got was this lousy shroud.

And yet more Wisdom

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all; can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving. I am reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone will be stupid enough to try and pass them all.
23. You can't have everything; where would you put it all?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in the boat all day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries
29. Shin: A device for finding furniture.
30. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in the public schools.
31. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
32. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
33. Everybody lies. But it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
34. I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
35. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
36. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
37. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

More Wisdom

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Attainable Affirmations

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
20. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
21. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
22. False hope is better than no hope at all.
23. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
24. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
25. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
26. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
27. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
28. To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
29. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
30. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

On Being One of the Few Who Dares

Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently over them all - young and old, rich and poor, compassionate and mean - the current going its own way, knowing only its own crystal self.

Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.

But one creature said at last, "I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."

The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"

But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.

And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!"

And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure."

But they cried the more, "Savior!" all the while clinging to the rocks, and when they looked again he was gone, and they were left alone, and began making legends of a Savior.

Good Things to Know

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Wisdom from Great Women

• There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
• When I'm feeling down I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
• A penny saved is a government oversight.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip...around the sun!
• The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
2. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. No one is listening until you fart.
5. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
11. Don't squat with your spurs on.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
14. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
15. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side and it holds the universe together.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

We of course offer our sincerest apologies to anyone offended by our wisdom pages. (Maybe...)